When something happens to you beyond your control, beyond your boundaries of trust and safety, it is very tempting to stay hidden and closed. When you were your most vibrant, some event happened that created a feeling of innate wrongness and left you in fragments of self-loathing and dread. Life went from glorious and colorful to flat and grey.
Shame crept in.
Shame as defined by the brilliant Brené Brown is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
I am here to share that in my journey of over eating, over drinking, over sexing and over perfecting to battle my shame, that what I found, what actually got me able to see myself and my life as full of worth, only happened when I let my feisty back out again. After decades of one disconnected decision after the next I realized what I truly craved was within me. My feisty shattered my shame and my habit of avoiding and showed me I belong.
I think of feisty as that playful, expressive, connecting, unique and spirited energy that is the burst of potential. The one that is incredibly curious and delighted over all the details. The one that pulses with the blood beat of life and adores the vast starry sky where it feels at home. My feisty started to travel and meet strangers, dance without shots of tequila, light the candles and say the prayer, make delicious food for friends, sail on the ocean, attend acting classes, kickbox with a sifu, make the costume and go to the party. I joined in, focused on the fun and showed up for the experience.
Feisty energy hums and animates you before your mind has a say. It is the impulse to lean into something, to try a new idea or path, to act and speak out. It is the impulse to make your mark in any moment and it can’t be extinguished.
When we feel flawed, we take that feisty and we blame it. We disguise it. We start to associate our feisty with shame because we figure it was the brightness that brought the dark. We then no longer know how to tell the difference between the two. This is a destructive and confusing place (see my blog Boys, Beers and Bags for more on why). But there is a vast difference when you feel into the two energies.
Feisty is inward to out. Shame is a withdrawing.
Feisty is caring. Shame is ambivalent.
Feisty is inclusive. Shame is isolating.
Feisty is wild. Shame is static.
Feisty never sacrifices self. Shame sacrifices self first.
Feisty never second-guesses. Shame never stops guessing.
Feisty has discernment. Shame has judgment.
Feisty has boundaries. Shame has bars.
Feisty dwells in the now. Shame lives in the past.
Feisty is bold. Shame is dismissive.
Feisty is whole. Shame is broken.
Feisty will put the oxygen mask on first. It knows it needs to exist. This characteristic is often why people who express their artistry, their feelings and their perspectives are met with resistance and a “Who are you to dare?” attitude. Let me state, this is YOUR one life. Your ONE life. Your one LIFE. Get daring, people. Do it from a place of integrity and the resistance won’t tarnish you.
Feisty doesn’t dwell in guilt or drama. Feisty keeps expressing and giving because that is the whole damn point. To show up, to give it a try, to make the play. Feisty’s worth isn’t dependent upon nor defined by who notices. Feisty is rooted in the feeling that “I belong to me, I belong to you, I belong to everyone and no one”. It is love and enthusiasm. Constant creation. It does this for itself and out of a need to engage with others for the pure experience of it.
My whole focus is to help free the feisty. It is a paradox. We can only truly connect and feel our wholeness when we authentically share our energy from a place of deep love stamped with “I don’t need you to approve.” Freeing our feisty happens the moment when our inner world is expressed through our body. We have this body for a reason. It is to feel…To make… To show… To express… To do. To bring what’s inside to the outside.
It is my belief that to overcome the dreary and grey space that shame is harboring inside, you need to free your feisty. This potent, wild essence is truly who you are and it will use all the oxygen you can give it to live and simultaneously smother your shame.
Feisty will take shame and alchemize it. It will transform grey into a vibrant color that you can use to paint your love all over the place. Connections, art, invention, service…you imagine it, you can create it. Write the word, clean the ocean, bear the child, pull the bow, beat the drum, chant the spell, raise the hand, free the jailed, change the law, move the feet, compose the song, have the orgasm, play the string, carve the wood, navigate the stars, release the prayer, heal the wound.
Shame lives in the dark and tries to convince you that your essential nature is dark too. This is a lie. Your true nature is so vivid and necessary that it demanded to be born into this life to take up space. Feisty uses dark as much as it uses light in its wild and full spectrum.
If you are having a hard time connecting with your spark, if you find yourself hiding and feeling that you don’t belong, or if you know shame is holding you hostage, connect with me and let’s free your feisty.